June 14, 2016
I need to confess something. Something I usually do not share. Something that may seem contradictory to what I do. But truthfully, I think it’s one of the main driving forces for why I do what I do. Are you ready for it?
I hate getting my photo taken.
Shocking, right? You think being a photographer, I would have mastered a way to feel comfortable in the front of the camera by now but it’s completely the opposite. I always feel strange and ugly and unworthy. It’s like every time I’m in front of the camera, I imagine myself back in middle school; pubescent, awkward, and definitely uncoordinated. As though all my insecurities, all my flaws, will be captured and preserved for all to see. Vulnerable and exposed. It’s unrealistic, I know, but it’s something I’ve struggled with most of my life.
But knowing I wanted to pursue my passion, my life-calling, to be a photographer meant I had to spend a lot more time getting in front of the camera. How else was I going to learn? How else would I know what my clients go through? The more I started photographing weddings and families, the deeper my understanding for why photos are so important. They leave behind a legacy. They are a way to remember loved ones and good times. Photographs prevail! I didn’t want my life to pass me by and realize my grandchildren would never know what their grandmother was like, what she accomplished, where she traveled, who she loved. So, I pushed.
Pushed past my fears and insecurities. Pushed past the delusional thoughts that I’m unworthy. I am uniquely me and I’m choosing to embrace that fact. My feelings about it didn’t change overnight, it’s something I had to work on all the time. I sat in those uncomfortable moments knowing I could not live in that crazy, inaccurate, negative world forever.
If I never went through that uncomfortable feeling of inadequacy, I never would have realized how important it was for me to overcome it. I’ve had other tragedies, hardships, and transitions in my life that have felt SO uncomfortable that I just wanted to jump out of my skin! But you have to go on! We have to go through those icky, uncomfortable moments in life to reach our higher destiny. To grow stronger and help others. To learn something new about ourselves. To dig deeper into the core of who we are. You’ll never learn anything if life is easy. You’ll never grow. It may not be fun but I promise you, that uncomfortable feeling is only temporary. I became comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and I hope you do the same. Feeling uncomfortable is a good thing! It strengthens us and helps us change into the people we are meant to be.
So whether I like the photos of myself or not, I’m moving on. I’m not letting my negative feelings overpower or define me. I’m choosing to enjoy every photo I see of myself and say yes every time someone wants to take a photo. Life is too short to worry or stress or let negativity overtake us. Accept feeling uncomfortable and use it to fuel you!